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What's Bothering You?

Kinda wish I took the time to join in on the event. Looks like it was a lot of fun and I probably missed out on some fun shenanigans, but I just wasn't feeling it. I barely had the energy to get up and go to work everyday after dealing with things. I don't want to trigger anyone so I'll just leave it at that. You can skip this post, I just thought it might help to write it down.
 
I wish I was interested in certain things so I could join in on this thing some of my friends are doing, but I just can’t bring myself to force myself to do anything I’m not interested in. I don’t think it’s worth it, but sometimes I feel a little left out.

But thankfully, I’m not acting on these thoughts. I’m just letting it go and not thinking too much about it. It’s just weird seeing conversations I can’t be apart of because it’s discussing something I know nothing about.
 
Yesterday was a pretty good day. In between matches, i had some intrusive thoughts/feelings. Like I’m wondering if my friend will remember to chat with me again. And my heart still hurts about everything. I can’t stop myself from tearing up randomly. I hope today will be another good day.

sorry for being a broken record.
 
I’m alright, but I never quite internalise that I’m good enough. I reason that I am but when the universe gives me particular roadblocksI can’t stop doubting it for stretches.

I wonder what it’s going to take for me to believe again. Just to see long enough that life is okay I suppose.
 
It's not even 8:30 AM and I'm already having a terrible start to my morning. Obviously the fact that I stayed up super late doesn't help. I woke up at 6 but I, naturally, went back to bed and woke up much later than I'd like. Somehow my parents drank all the coffee despite making a batch not too long ago, but it's not like I had time to brew any. (That's on me, but still.) I also got into an argument with my brother and I tried talking to my friends, only to leave awkwardly because social anxiety is real. Oh, and I'm starting my school day with two periods I absolutely hate consecutively.

I really am just rambling, but I wish I could just stay home and lay in bed all day, because today is NOT gonna be my day. :\ I'm tired and angry but it's technically my fault.
 
Got a letter in to attend the same unsympathetic Nurse I saw last week. I'm not sure 'unsympathetic' covers it, but I don't want to get a warning/banned! I don't want to see her again after the way she treated me last week. Usually if I have a bad appointment, I forget about it the next day, but it's been stressing me out since last week. She clearly doesn't understand the issues an arthritic patient has and how it has a big impact on my daily life. Going to phone my nice actual Rhuematology Nurse tomorrow and hopefully I'll get to see her or someone else. I can't stress about seeing her for 5 months. I have never actually refused to see a health care professional before, so this will be a first.
 
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Man I used to love sleeping so much, it was like the number one thing I looked forward to in a day (yes I did have debilitating depression why do you ask) but now sleeping just hurts my hip. Or my neck. Or my shoulder. Just no comfortable way to sleep 💔 and trying to be lazy and sleep for longer than like, 6 hours is basically just a guaranteed headache. I look on in envy at people who “sleep in” on their days off >:c

writing this because both my upper legs are lightly throbbing with pain right now and i only slept for like 5 and a half hours bROOO
 
Tomorrow I've a meeting I've been asking for 2.5 months. And I'm also dreading it. It'll protect me as an employee but I'm essentially going to spend an hour talking to someone about my mental and physical disabilities and how worthless they make me feel. Yay! 👍
 
My now ex boyfriend just ripped my heart out and ripped it into pieces. My life feels like it’s falling apart and I don’t know how to recover. He was my first love ever. He said he fell out of love with me a while ago and I tried to beg him for another chance (yeah I know, embarrassing) but he just kicked me out like I was nothing to him.
 
Man I used to love sleeping so much, it was like the number one thing I looked forward to in a day (yes I did have debilitating depression why do you ask) but now sleeping just hurts my hip. Or my neck. Or my shoulder. Just no comfortable way to sleep 💔 and trying to be lazy and sleep for longer than like, 6 hours is basically just a guaranteed headache. I look on in envy at people who “sleep in” on their days off >:c

writing this because both my upper legs are lightly throbbing with pain right now and i only slept for like 5 and a half hours bROOO
Would it help to hug a body pillow?
 
Man I used to love sleeping so much, it was like the number one thing I looked forward to in a day (yes I did have debilitating depression why do you ask) but now sleeping just hurts my hip. Or my neck. Or my shoulder. Just no comfortable way to sleep 💔 and trying to be lazy and sleep for longer than like, 6 hours is basically just a guaranteed headache. I look on in envy at people who “sleep in” on their days off >:c

writing this because both my upper legs are lightly throbbing with pain right now and i only slept for like 5 and a half hours bROOO
Another thing I got to help headaches, one of those sleeping mask blindfolds with gel beads that you can put in the fridge, so it's cool. I'm just throwing out ideas.
 
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